Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Entry #2: Redefining the Narrative

At this moment we've pretty much wrapped up work on Final Fantasy XIII-2. The only reason you aren't holding the seed of my throbbing manhood in your hands right now is because the executives at Square Enix have decided to withhold release to build hype and, of course, troll. Troll hard.

But aside from marketing strategies that feel like they've been pulled from the Kama Sutra, I'm also posting to give fans a bit of an update on what FFXIII-2 is going to be like. I'm sure at this point everyone is a fan, even those of you who for some reason disliked my Korean soap opera with a battle system, which the execs crassly refer to as "Final Fantasy XIII". We're addressing literally every complaint you bastards had about the first game so you have no excuse.

Of particular debate was the story of FFXIII, which many called "confusing" and "poorly written" and "a piece of shit that feels like it was written by a drunk random number generator". Well, to all those plebeians, I assure you that I have made the story fairly straightforward and lacking of any and all complexity or mystery so as to make it comprehensible for you.

To illustrate this, I would like to provide a writing sample. The following is a pivotal scene in the game. In fact, you could probably call it the most integral scene in the entire plot, the one that ties everything together and takes the plot from the category of "narrative" to "absolute universal standard of perfection".

Here it is:

Purple Guy puts his sword away. He turns to Lightning, who is standing behind him, as I established earlier in the scene. But to make sure that you guys understand it, Purple Guy, whose name is Kaias but who I'm calling Purple Guy so that you guys understand, is standing at about a 35-degree angle in front of Lightning, who is standing behind him. Purple Guy has just finished putting his sword away. His sword is in the sheath. It could not be put away any harder than it is put away right now. That is one held-in-place sword if I've ever seen one. He turns to Lightning. He does a 180-degree turn to face Lightning. Though it's not exactly 180-degrees because as established above, he is at an angle of 35-degrees in front of her, so it's more like some number which I cannot recall at the moment. But it doesn't matter because it's not like you'd understand angles if you didn't get FFXIII's story.

What the fuck was wrong with FFXIII's story anyway? What exactly was so bad about it that you guys had to bitch and moan at every opportunity? Is an epic drama of friendship and fate, one of the most profound and original plots in gaming, not enough for you? What the hell? Seriously, what the hell?

Shit, anyway, Purple Guy is now facing Lightning, and his lips begins to move as he talks. Words come out, and they sound very similar to this:

Purple Guy: I am the villain in this game.

Holy shit, can't wait to see what happens next, can you? That was some deep writing, wasn't it? And I'm sure that none of you who complained about XIII being a "clusterfuck" had any trouble comprehending it.

Although the question on your mind might be why exactly I'm revealing such a big spoiler in a blog that could accidentally be accessed by anyone who searches for Asian ass porn. And to that, I say: are you really surprised? We showed Noel getting killed in the fucking trailer for the game. We don't care about spoilers.

Anyway, I'll update soon with more scenes from the game to make sure nothing surprises you when you buy about four or five copies on release day.

Toriyama out.